Thoughts…

- My view of “beauty” has changed. I am realizing more and more that the old adages of “Beauty is skin deep” and “Beauty comes from within” hold a lot of truth. How often do I see people, male and female, that are aesthetically appealing but they hideous on the inside? How often do I folks that are not much to look at by society’s standards but on the inside they are amazingly beautiful. True and real beauty shines through anything on the outside. Botox, makeup, plastic surgery, weave and skinny can not hide and ugly spirit or a black heart. A beautiful spirit and loving heart will always shine through a bad hair day, pimples, a fat belly and cellulite. I am looking a little deeper at folks these days. I am looking at the inside. Checking out their actions. Are they kind? Treating people well, with respect and dignity regardless of their station on life? A kind heart and love of the Creator and Sustainer, that is beautiful. Truly.

- Love is a funny thing. After you get over that initial ”mushy-ness” what do you have left? That “mushy-ness” is not love, it’s well, “mushy-ness” a form of infatuation if you will.  After you are married for a few years and your spouse gets on your last nerve with every word they utter and there is no “mush” to be found, then what? I am learning and have realized that folks really can survive without that “oh baby I can’t live without you love!”. Know why? CUZ THAT AIN”T LOVE!!!! That is a Hollywood romanticized, Romeo and Juliet, farce of what “they” tell us love is supposed to be. That’s the love that will make a person go into debt spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to a person they know good and doggone well is no good for them. I am learning that real love may not say I love you every 5 minutes, but it makes sure you are warm and have a roof over your head. It does not lie to you. It takes care of you when you are sick or sad. Love is a verb not a noun. Ironically I began to learn this lesson after my mother died last year. She was the person that I know loved me most on the world. After she died it hit me like a ton of bricks and it was only then that I knew TRULY what a broken heart feels like. So, if I can live and survive and be happy without her I know that I will be alright on the love front because I know for me, what love is.

- It’s easy to get distracted and sometimes hard to get back on track.  For a while now I have considered not watching TV any more, ever. The problem with this is that I was a news addict. Not so much anymore. A friend of mine pointed out one day that she does not watch TV and especially not the news because the news is depressing to her. It’s getting that way for me too. There is a lot going on in the world everyday. Bad things happen every single day and that is what the news is filled with. Ok, yes the world is screwed up but is there no good left? Where are the good news stores? It seems to me like the news media is so focused on all the ills of the world but none of the good. Why is every Muslim they show a terrorist? One would think from watching CNN and the like that we are all terrorists!!! I’m not and none of the Muslims I know are either. In fact all the Muslims I know think the terrorists are completely crazy! I for one not only think they are totally crazy, I also would not even call them Muslims. They are not accurate representations of anything Islam is about. As a very wise woman  said just the other day, they will be surprised when they wake up in hell and not surrounded with 100 virgins! Anyway back to being distracted. Most of my teen years until recently all I ever wanted to do was write, be a writer, be around other creative writers and books. Somehow I had forgotten that about myself. I have been so distracted by things that are meaningless like TV and FB and all that. I was feeling zapped creatively and couldn’t really put my finger on why. Insha Allah I can get a handle on this distraction business and get back to myself.

That’s all for now.

Until later,

peace people…

Public School

I attended public school my whole schooling experience. (except college) I always loved school and truly believe that I got a good education. When I was around friends that went to private school I never felt at a disadvantage or that I didn’t know as much as they did. When I got to college I felt the same. I didn’t feel “behind” classmates that attended private school and I was proud that I went to public school. I was exposed to many different cultures and people. From elementary school on, my schools were a good mix of children from Black, White, Native American, Asian, Middle Eastern, Eastern European and Caribbean backgrounds. I had a U.N. of friends and was happy for it!  When I think back to all of the teachers I had, I have no complaints. I truly believe they were all there teaching because they wanted to be there and they cared about their students and their development. I even thought at one point that I wanted to teach. (maybe still) 

Now I have children in public school and I don’t feel the same way. They do not attend school in the same state I did, but that is irrelevant. Public school is just not the same as it was when I was there and that wasn’t that long ago (ok maybe it was) I graduated in 1992.  I will say that my son has been lucky to have good teachers every year. (he’s in the sixth grade) My daughter just started kindergarten this year and I wouldn’t trade her teacher for all the tea in China. BUT even with all that I do have my issues. First off, public school is supposed to be for all children, regardless of race, color, creed or religion, yet no concessions are made in my school district for cultural differences.  This is a problem on a number of levels. The world is not just what children see in a 10 block radius. They need to be taught that the world consists of more than what they see everyday and what my children see everyday at school are little black children that look just like them.  So in order for our children to learn anything about the world at large it’s up to parents. For me this includes: African American history, World history, foreign language and cultural social studies at least. Second, the curriculum is set up in a way not to support the expansion of knowledge or to foster and encourage a child’s natural curiosity, it’s designed to support standardized testing  for the kids to get the best possible scores on those tests in order for the school system to look good and receive more money to further to mis-educate our children. Talk about a vicious cycle! 

Yesterday was the day that really prompted this post. I have had issue with this topic for some time now, but yesterday was particularly irritating.  First off, my daughter had a substitute teacher. She loves going to school, but when she got there and saw who her sub was her eyes welled up with tears, she stopped at her classroom door and refused to go in. I asked her what was wrong and she said ” I’m scarred of her, she’s mean, I just want to go home.” I was perplexed and mad at her at the same time.  So I took her into the hall and asked her again what was wrong, she said the same thing and refused to go into the classroom, she was truly scarred and I could see it on her face. I talked to another kindergarten teacher and she took my daughter into her room for the day and she was fine.  The sub in her regular class never did say anything to her or to me even after she heard what she said. She just kept doing what she was doing which was nothing. I forgot to mention that where I live substitute teachers are not required to have a college degree or any type of teaching experience at all!! After school I asked my daughter what the problem was with the sub. She told me that she had her before and she was really mean to her. She needed help with something and the sub would not help her and she yelled her. When you’re 5 that’s scary.

The next thing that got to me yesterday was my son’s language teacher. Last night he asked me if it was possible to go to the high school football game on Friday because their language teacher said they could get extra credit if they went to the game. WTH? What does football have to do with language? I can see extra credit for going to a play, a particular movie, maybe even a museum exhibit, but a football game? Come on!!!

Let me be crystal clear. I AM NOT criticizing teachers. I love teachers! (real ones) Teachers and mothers should be the highest paid people anywhere. But there are some people who teach that aren’t in the profession for the love of the students.  They are there for a paycheck with stability or to further their careers up  the administrative ladder. We elect our school boards and hope when we cast our votes that those we elect are really going to make a difference in the system. Some do, some don’t. Some are there for personal gain or to add something impressive to their resumes just like other elected officials, but that is a whole other post!

Our American educational system is broken. Badly. It’s sad that this country has come to such a fate that we are falling behind in so many areas. Education should be at the forefront of fixing what’s wrong with America, sadly it’s not. Rarely do I hear anything about education on the news. I hear about a war that is ridiculous,  Jon and Kate, the balloon boy and David Letterman’s extortion case, not so much about education.  I don’t get it! Folks complain about young men and women not doing anything with their lives, collecting welfare, having 4 and 5 babies by 6 or 7  “baby’s daddies”, selling drugs and God knows what else, but are we thinking while we are criticizing (and I do it too) that maybe these young people are living the way they are because they are not adequately educated? We can blame them for not paying attention in school, but was anyone paying attention to them? We can blame them for not going to school, but was anyone coming to check on them when they weren’t there to find out why? We can say that they just didn’t care about their futures, but did anyone care about them and let them know that they could be more than dope boys and baby mama’s? While they were hanging out on the block did anyone take the time to show them that there was a world far beyond what they see from day-to-day?

What I’ve written here is from a parent’s perspective. I would love to hear a teacher’s perspective. I wonder what teachers think is wrong with the educational system. Can it be fixed?  If so how and how soon? What do other parents think? What do people that aren’t parents think?

until later,

peace people…

 

 

Dropping the Ball

I’ve been volunteering with a literacy organization helping adults learn to read. This is something that I have ALWAYS wanted to do.  Reading is something that everyone should be able to do, especially in America. Yet the people that I work with got through childhood and most of adulthood illiterate. It boggles my mind how this happens!  Where along the way in these peoples lives was the ball dropped? I wonder how they functioned. How did they feel in situations where they had to read to get their basic needs met and couldn’t? How did they get through school in what is supposed to be the “greatest country” ( that’s open for debate) in the world and not know how to read?

I will say that I admire the people I work with deeply. I have the highest respect for them. They are not dumb by any means, they are eager, dedicated and humble. I can only hope that whatever I do to help them truly does and that it really makes a difference and betters their lives even in a small way. Ameen.

Until later,

Peace people…

Desiderata

My grandmother had “Desiderata” (latin, meaning desired things) hanging in her house for as long as I could remember. I think I must have read it everyday. I love it because it is simple but very meaningful. I have it now, the same one that hung on her wall. I don’t read it as much as I used to but I decided I can always start again.  I hope it lifts you up, even just a bit. Enjoy!

until later,

peace people…

 

 

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952

Not That Girl

i am not the girl to fall for anything.
Not the one to accept what you say.
Not the one to take anything at face value.

i am not the girl to love you unconditionally
while you love me with limits.

i am not the girl to shout “Amen!”
when you preach hate.

i am not the girl to smile in your face
while i stab you in the back.

i am not the girl all made up and perfect,
size 2, wearing stilletos

i am not the girl in the club
sweating you from across the room
waiting for you to buy me a drink

i am not the girl that knows all the songs on the radio

but…

i am the girl that has to just be me
because i don’t know how to be anything else

i am the girl that loves the underdog

i am the girl that tries to hold onto her faith
but sometimes my hands are slippery

i am the girl that reads the fine print
when you tell me “Just sign here.”

i am the girl with the glasses
that can’t see without them

i am the girl that loves her gay friends
and doesn’t think they are doing anything wrong

i am the girl that has no room to judge anyone for anything
because my house is made of stained glass

i am the the girl that still needs her Mama
even though i am fully grown

i am the girl that believes in magic
and loves to stare at the moon

i am the girl that says “Alhamdulillah!”
and is striving to get to Jannah
though i fear i may not be worthy

i am the girl that wishes i were born a few decades earlier
because i feel jipped not to have heard Malcolm speak in person

i am the girl that thinks too much
but cannot help it and is glad for that

If you are looking for the girl that
is in the “box”, that is easy to define,
that follows the straight line

Sorry, I am not that girl.

until later,
peace people…

Rememberings – My Papa

Since 2004 I have had the 4 people closest to me die one right after the other.  My father died May 2004. My grandmother (Nana) died February 2005. My grandfather (Papa) died February 2006. My mother died February 2009.  I miss them, but I try to remember some thing about them every day.  It helps me. Here are some rememberings about my Papa.

There are men that you look at and think, “That is what a true man is.”  My Papa was such a man.

He was born in 1913 in Connecticut.  His mother was Indian, father was black.  I only knew his mother, who I adored. His father died long before I was born.  He was a staff Sargent in the Army during WWII and traveled all over Europe.  I loved to hear his war stories. They never included any violent details from the brutality of the war. I was a child after all and he would never tell  such a horrible thing to his “One Grand Baby.” 

After the war I assume he moved to New York and met my Nana. I never heard the story of they met.  I never asked. I know they got married in 1954 later moved to Bayside,NY ( they lived in New Rochelle before that) and got my mother in 1959. I say got rather than had because she was adopted from another family member of my Nana’s.

I used to love to look at their photo albums becsue they looked so glamourous.  They had parties, went to parties, ball’s and took trips to someplace all the time.  I wished I had been around then so I could do all that stuff too!

When I was old enough, my Papa and I became “Road Dogs”.  I went everywhere with him, even places that were a little unconventional for kids to go like the OTB and the track itself.  I loved it though because he would always let me pick the horses and I loved to watch them race. (still do)   He took me to the movies to see Annie.  He took me for about a million ice cream cones. He would always take me to lunch at the same place, Wendy’s, that was when they had a salad bar. If didn’t take me he would give me 2 dollars (always 2) and tell me to ”go buy a hamburger.” 

I remember so much about him.  He used to drink Lowenbrau Beer. He ate snacks of sardines, onions and saltine crakers.  He loved to take road trips. ( I’m pretty sure I get my road trip love from him) He could do just about anything from fixing cars to selling real estate.  He loved the arts and to read. (two more things I got from him) He was a lifetime member of the NAACP and he and my Nana were in that sea of people at the March on Washington.  He loved and adored my Nana, even though as he got older and she started fussing at him he would turn his hearing aid off anf look at me and laugh.  He always took care of her and made sure she had everything she needed and that she was safe.  He loved good jazz, Coltrane, Monk, Parker. But most of all I know that he loved me and I loved him too.

 

until later,

peace people…

I got tagged!!

My sister Zainab tagged me a few days ago to write 10 things about myself. So here I go..

1. I hate talking about myself and that is why it has taken me so long to write these 10 things.

2.I think that I have a Facebook problem.  It’s like cyber-crack!

3.I really miss my friends and family in Ohio, sometimes to the point that it hurts. 

4. For years I’ve had a problem feeling like I constanly have to explain myself , my actions, feelings, beliefs, etc. to people. I was a chronic people pleaser, sometimes to the point of not being my true self.  It’s exhausting and I refuse to do it anymore.  To quote Mary J Blige, “Take me as I am or have nothing at all! ”

5. I have been seriously considering going back to school in January. Not to finish the degree in English that I started a million years ago, but a whole new one in legal studies. I’m about 90% sure I’m gonna do it.

6. I have family members that have said I am a quiter. It made me very angry. I keep my distance from them. I say, live my life, go through the things I have, stay in my head for just one day, then call me a quiter. I hope they read this.

7. I think I am overly compassionate sometimes. Is that possible?

8. I used to wear a patch over my eye when I was about 4 years old because my eye was way lazy. I have worn glasses ever since.

9. I realized recently that I am a “tea snob”! I bought some off brand tea because I was out of my usual brand and couldn’t get it right away. YICK!!!! I spit it out and kind of felt ashamed afterward, but YICK!!

10.I still watch Sesame Street with my daughter. (sometimes without her)  Yes I still enjoy it. No I am not ashamed at all.

 

Done. That was kind of hard.

Racism STILL Alive in America

Well, I knew that racism was still alive in America, but now  The Valley Club in Pennsylvania is proving that it is alive and WELL.  I am dumbfounded and outraged at the remarks that the owners of the club have made in recent days, stating that they didn’t want to “change the complexion of their club” as well as other asinine statements.  People seriously need to get over their superiority complexes and realize that it’s 2009 not 1950.  It is truly unfortunate that these children had to be subjected to this type of treatment and behavior from adults.  Racism is taught, it is not inherent.  The parents of the white children at the club do not fully realize what  they are doing to their children by making these blanket statements about the black and Hispanic children from the summer camp.  They are continuing a legacy of racism that should have been long dead and buried.  It is hard not to be outraged and want to retaliate in some way. For anyone to just flat out not like you because of the color of your skin is a most hurtful experience.  I feel for those children at the summer camp and hate that they have had to learn this hard and hurtful lesson.  I hope that they are able to rise above it. 

until later,

peace people…

 Below is the story from CNN.com:

Swim club president denies racism in pool controversy

 

updated 11:38 p.m. EDT, Fri July 10, 2009

From Susan Candiotti and Jean Shin
CNN

HUNTINGDON VALLEY, Pennsylvania (CNN) – The president of The Valley Swim Club on Friday strongly denied charges of racism after his club canceled the swimming privileges of a nearby day care center whose children are predominantly African-American.

John Duesler said he underestimated the number of swimmers who would come to swim at the club.

“It was never our intention to offend anyone,” said John Duesler. “This thing has been blown out of proportion.”

Duesler said his club — which he called “very diverse” — invited camps in the Philadelphia area to use his facility because of the number of pools in the region closed due to budget cuts this summer. He said he underestimated the amount of children who would participate, and the club’s capacity to take on the groups was not up to the task.

“It was a safety issue,” he said.

The Creative Steps Day Care children — who are in kindergarten through seventh grade — went to The Valley Swim Club in Huntingdon Valley on June 29 after the center’s director, Alethea Wright, had contracted to use the club once a week.

During their first visit, some children said they heard club members asking why African-American children were there. One youngster told a Philadelphia television station a woman there said she feared the children “might do something” to her child.

Days later, the day care center’s $1,950 check was returned without explanation, Wright said.

She was dismissive of Duesler’s comments Friday.

“He knows what happened at the pool that day,” Wright told CNN in a telephone interview. “I was embarrassed and humiliated.”

She called it an “unfortunate situation,” adding, “I know what happened; the members know what happened and a higher power knows what happened.” 

  After news reports of the incident, the office of Sen. Arlen Specter (D-Pennsylvania) said Specter sent a letter to the club president asking him to reinstate the contract with Creative Steps, saying, “I think that you would agree that there is no place for racism in America today.”

Duesler said he appreciates the senator’s concern, but the club’s board has yet to make a decision of how it will proceed.

“If we’re going to revise our policies here, we need to make it so for all the camps,” he said. “I just don’t think we’re prepared for that.”

Duesler earlier in the week told two Philadelphia television stations the children had changed “the complexion” and “atmosphere” of the club, a comment that protesters outside the facility Thursday said showed that racism was involved.

Bernice Duesler, John Duesler’s wife, called the negative response her husband has faced since the incident “unbearable.”

“He’s not one of the good guys — he’s one of the great guys,” she said, holding back tears. “He doesn’t deserve this.”

She added, “If there really was a racial issue that happened, my husband and I would be the first one[s] picketing.”

Jim Flynn, who said he was one of the club members who made a complaint against the children, told CNN this week it was not racially motivated.

“There were a lot of children in the pool and not enough lifeguards,” he said. “As general members we were not told that they were coming. If we knew, we could decide to not come when the pool was crowded or come anyway. We could have had an option.”

He also said invitations to two other day care centers, neither of which contained minority children, had previously been withdrawn.

Girard College, a private Philadelphia boarding school, told CNN on Thursday it would offer Creative Steps Day Care use of its facilities this summer.

 

 

 

The Hijab Debate

So what do you think?

Going Home (sort of)

P.S.31

I wondered a lot what my old neighborhood in Queens looks like now.  I think about it often and fondly, always.  It was there that I began my love of libraries and reading.  My mother and I would walk from our house to the Bayside Branch of the Queens Library on Northern Blvd..  I remember getting my first and only bee sting of in the backyard of my Nana’s house, trying to pick peaches off of her tree.  P.S.31 was my school.  It always felt like such a long walk from our house, but when you are 5 everything is a long walk.  I was so proud going to school, especially in the first grade because my first grade teacher had also been my mother’s first grade teacher.  I think about the church at the corner of my Nana’s block that we used to go to.  My Nana went there because it was the closest. It was a Baptist church, she had been United Methodist her whole life, but it didn’t matter to her. “God is God”, she would say, she didn’t care about the denomination. I wonder what happened to the kids in the neighborhood that I used to play with for what seemed like endless hours. I remember their names still: Sharon, Dory, Mimi, Larry, Steen. Is that deli still there that I used to get those huge pickles from?  Are the White Castle and Pizza shop still there?  They used to give you your White Castle’s on a little white plate. Pizza? Just one slice, cheese only.  I wonder if my Godmother still has that pool in her backyard that I only got to swim in once because I was too little to go in by myself?  I wonder if the street lights still make that buzzing sound and flicker when they come on? Do kids still take off running at that first flicker because their Mama’s told them they “better be in the house when the street lights come on!”

Since Bayside had been on my mind so much lately, I decided to go.  Virtually, not physically, yet. 

Bayside Library

Thank you Google.  I was able to go to my old neighborhood and take a look around.  It was sad and wonderful.  The library is still there! P.S. 31 still looks the same.  The Jr. high-school that my mother attended?  Still there, as is the park behind it that I used to play in.  ( I wish my kids had a park like that, they are so deprived!)  Sadly though, my Nana’s house is gone so is the house I used to live in that was right across from the jr. high school.  My godmother’s pool is gone too. I guess that went along with her house that is also gone.  The church however is still there and looks exactly the same.  That is where my parents met and married.  I still have pictures of my mother ducking the rice thrown by the wedding goers coming down the church steps.

The virtual tour of my hometown made me sad at first for a lot of reasons.  The houses that I loved so much, mine, my Nana’s and Godmother’s, are just a memory. I am the only one left to keep those memories.  That alone made me sad.  But the more I thought about it, I didn’t feel bad anymore.  I still have memories and I am so thankful that I had a mother and grandmother that loved me and nourished me the way they did.  Sometimes it was hard to live up to all the things they wanted for me, but if they didn’t see potential they wouldn’t have pushed. I thank them.

One day soon I hope to go back to Bayside for a real live visit.  I can still go to the library.  Maybe I can return that book I’ve had checked out since 1979!

I Am a Giant was the first book I could read all by myself. It’s the pink one.

 

 

Until later,

peace people…